...

last post made no sense.

....but i feel the same, still hurt, still bitter, still not wanting to face this.

"The further i fell in love, the lonlier i became."

I love you.. but

Here I am 5am still drunk. This reminds me why i stopped drinking like this. I had set myself a 2 drink minimum a while back, but for some reason the whole bottle of 70 proof was calling my name. And I answered. I should of took the headache as a warning that my mind, body and spirit wasnt in the state where i could endulge in activities. I have been having this feeling on my chest for the past week kind of hard to explain.. err not really. I experienced an extreme high and an extreme low within a 24 hr period and it really through my mind for a good one. Hearing "i love you" felt like complete and utterly euphora. I had been waiting for that moment for 7+ years. Yes that long, I did it for the sake of him but also because i believe if you invest something worthwhile you will reak the benefits. So for a short lived 23 hrs or how ever many i floated along cloud 9. Then, he felt the need to tell me that he had feelings for his baby mom. Well to be politically correct maybe his baby mom, because her track record and the circumstances arent exactly clear cut. I felt like he was hurting me on purpose by telling me this. The one person who knew my thoughts, feelings and knew jus how to hurt me did. Everything Ive done felt like it was for nothing. I try to put things aside and let it be. But he didnt.

I recently rekindled my relationship with God. Its never felt so good, but i find myself stuck alot of the times and backsliding... like tonight. The main worry on my heart is if i am investing in the wrong people. Granted he was my bestfriend for 7 years before anything romantically evolved, but that jus made the feelings stronger. Ive asked God to show me if this is what he wants me to persue if i am suppose to be here for him the way i am, supporting him and all his endevours. Everytime i feel like God draws me closer to him, some event or something happens where i am there no matter what, i find the strength to keep on loving him.

Tonight i think struck a nerve, they dont call liquor courage for nothing. There has been a lot going on in my life, and i feel like i am battling it alone at times. I drank way to much and let my feelings get the best of me.

It started off good but jus ended terribly. I havent had the chance to hang out with a group of girls in a while, but we did and it was fun. I ran into a guy i had met a couple times before at our usual weekend hang out. He grabbed me and wanted to talk, so i talked. That couldnt of ended any worse its like i was controlled wife to a short temper man. That was the start of the terrible night.

He followed me everywhere, and tried to get me to go with him home. Even while extremely intoxicated and blown i know right from wrong.

Then.. he decided to bring her up, not the guy at the club but my bestfriend. That started to flood of emotions.

We went to Dennys to sober up, i on the other hand sat out in the car confessing everything i swore i wasnt going to mention to a man who is only thinking of himself in this matter. After almost 2 hours of going back and forth. It felt like my point wasnt heard, it was still him and jus him. Nobody elses feelings mattered.

All the things i have done, sacrifices didnt mean anything at this point.

At the end of our conversation, i told him i loved him still and that there was a reason i was sticking around i jus wanted to know what that reason was. He didnt say i love you back. he told me that what i said didnt sound sincere. Umm hello i jus poured my freakin heart out to you! how the hell doesnt that sound real.

I proceeded by crying my eyes out, one of those cries that you hate doing but feel better because it feels like a ton of bricks off of your chest..

my phone beeps... a text message.

Of course its someone i felt would only worsen the situation because he seemed to always know the wrong things to say...

Surprisingly, he was nicer than he has been in a while. We talked about why things never worked out (this is my ex) and liquid courage let me tell him how i felt about things in our past and talk about concerns Ive had. Usually me and him bicker, but it was the complete opposite with both guys. The one i argue with, we got along and opened up. The one i usually get along with, seemed like a selfish person i didnt know.

Tonight officially sucked. I wish i didnt drink that much and got that emotional where i let people who didnt deserve to see that side of me see it. No scratch that, i wish people werent so selfish.

So in less than a day I am making my 5th trip to be with a guy who says he loves me but is developing feelings for a girl who is only like 20 years old with 3 kids now, slept with him the first night of meeting him, mysteriously became pregnant and then lied about having an abortion.

So much for being a down ass chick, it gets you far ... way far.

The Start.

Hmm.. Im hoping I can remember to keep up with this. Some of this will probably make no sense but oh well. Time to unravel my mind...